Promises, Promises: A Romp with Plenty of Dykes, a Unicorn, an Ogre, an Oracle, a Quest, a Princess, and True Love with a Happily Ever After by L-J Baker

A talking pearl earring. A gleaming white unicorn. A flower from an ogre. Sandy Blunt, witch, has big dreams but C-average magic skills. Her only noteworthy talent is for paying extravagant compliments to women. Trouble is, when she uses that gift, she unwittingly foretells the future for a pretty princess. The punishment for prophesying about one of royal blood is death. With the help of ill-assorted companions, including a self-proclaimed princess in disguise with a wild imagination, a self-absorbed member of the royal guard, and the not-so-average girl next door, Sandy has a year and a day to travel to far-flung places – encountering such dangerous creatures as a dragon who writes awful poetry, slovenly elves, and boarding house landladies – to collect the weird and magical items needed to turn her prophecies into promises and so evade the executioner.